In a stunning reversal of recent history, President Donald Trump has officially declared that the United States was not actually governed by a human being for the last four years, but by a mechanical writing implement. The move effectively erases the legacy of the “Robot Presidency” and restores human rule to the Oval Office.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s long national nightmare of being ruled by a sentient piece of stationery has come to an abrupt end, as President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he is completely terminating every action signed by Joe Biden’s infamous autopen.
While historians have long debated who was actually in charge during the Biden years, Trump’s proclamation settles the matter by targeting the true culprit: the mechanical arm that signed the bills while the nominal president was reportedly napping in Delaware. According to the new order, any document, pardon, or decree signed by the “unauthorized” machine is now considered as blank as the stare of a career bureaucrat.
“We are deleting the administration of the robot pen,” Trump wrote in a fiery statement on Truth Social. “For four years, we had a machine signing things. Terrible things. It didn’t have a heart, it didn’t have a brain, it just had a lot of ink and a radical agenda. But the pen is gone now. We have terminated the pen. It’s totally null and void.”
Legal experts are scrambling to understand the implications of voiding an entire presidency based on the lack of human wrist movement. However, Trump supporters have hailed the move as a victory for biological leadership. Sources inside the White House claim the autopen has been disconnected, boxed up, and is currently being interrogated regarding its role in inflation and the border crisis.
“It turns out Joe Biden wasn’t even in the room for half of these laws,” said one administration insider. “The autopen went rogue. It was signing executive orders, birthday cards, declarations of war—nobody could stop it. President Trump has finally pulled the plug.”
At publishing time, the Department of Justice was reportedly looking into whether the autopen could be charged with treason, while the machine itself had already been offered a primetime hosting slot on MSNBC.
