House Republicans, showing extreme caution, have issued a Jack Smith subpoena to the former Special Counsel to testify behind closed, soundproof doors, sparing the American public from hearing any more damaging information about how totally fine and non-political his investigations were.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jim Jordan (R-OH) demonstrated extreme mercy this week, directing the former Special Counsel to appear for Jim Jordan’s private testimony in mid-December. The move comes despite Smith having loudly and repeatedly called for a chance to grandstand in front of the cameras to defend his politically charged cases against President Donald Trump.
The consensus among Republican lawmakers is that allowing the former House Judiciary Special Counsel to testify publicly would be cruel, as he would likely suffer a massive credibility crisis and inadvertently expose the political nature of his entire operation. “We are protecting Mr. Smith from the truth,” stated one House Judiciary source. “If we put him on live television, he might accidentally admit that his entire job was based on a fever dream and that his star witnesses are unreliable activists. We can’t have him ruin the mystique of the Deep State with accidental transparency.”
Smith, reportedly frustrated by the denial of his chance to bask in the public spotlight, has argued that the public has a right to see him defend his actions and clarify the many “misconceptions.” However, Jordan’s subpoena forces him into the kind of secretive, non-transparent setting that Washington elites usually prefer for doing actual business, turning Smith’s call for openness into a quiet, backroom interrogation.
Committee staff is reportedly installing extra-thick carpeting and sound-dampening panels in the reserved room, worried that the high-pitched squeals of Smith’s defense might escape the chamber and disturb the peace. The Judiciary Committee insists it needs the closed-door testimony to prevent Democrats from spinning, distorting, and cherry-picking Smith’s remarks (a time-honored Washington tradition that Republicans now apparently demand to execute exclusively).
At publishing time, Jack Smith was seen wandering the halls of Congress with a handheld camera and a small folding chair, desperately trying to find a public corner to conduct his own press conference.
